Dealing With Unhappy Customers

Turning a Challenge into an Opportunity

Turn dissatisfaction into satisfaction with these strategies.

One of Tim's most important clients has just walked into his office, unannounced.

Tim stands up with a smile on his face, ready to greet him, when the dam bursts – his client explodes into an angry tirade because Tim's organization has failed to make a delivery on time. Because of this, the client was unable to demonstrate a key product, which meant that he lost an important sale.

Tim does his best to reason with his client, but nothing he says helps the situation. The client only gets angrier, shouting accusations and spiraling further into a rage. Within a few minutes he walks out, vowing never to do business with Tim's organization again.

Many of us have to deal with angry or unhappy clients as part of our roles, and it's never easy. But if we know what to say and, more importantly, how to say it, we may be able to save the situation. In fact, we can even end up with a better relationship with our client than we had before.

In this article we'll explore how to deal with angry or difficult customers. We'll highlight specific tips and techniques that you can use to smooth things over, so that you can leave them feeling satisfied.

Step One: Adjust Your Mindset

Once you're aware that your client is unhappy then your first priority is to put yourself into a customer service mindset  .

This means that you set aside any feelings you might have that the situation isn't your fault, or that your client has made a mistake, or that he or she is giving you unfair criticism  .

All that matters is that you realize that your customer or client is upset, and that it's up to you to solve the problem. Adjust your mindset so that you're giving 100 percent of your focus to your client, and to the current situation.

Step Two: Listen Actively

The most important step in the whole of this process is listening actively   to what your client or customer is saying – he wants to be heard, and to air his grievances.

Start the dialogue with a neutral statement, such as, "Let's go over what happened," or "Please tell me why you're upset." This subtly creates a partnership between you and your client, and lets him know that you're ready to listen.

Resist the temptation to try to solve the situation right away, or to jump to conclusions about what happened. Instead, let your client tell you his story. As he's talking, don't plan out what you're going to say when he's done – this isn't active listening!

Also, don't allow anything to interrupt this conversation. Give your client all of your attention.

Step Three: Repeat Their Concerns

Once he's had time to explain why he's upset, repeat his concerns so you're sure that you're addressing the right issue. If you need to, ask questions to make sure that you've identified the problem correctly.

Use calm, objective wording. For example, "As I understand it, you are, quite rightly, upset because we didn't deliver the samples that we promised you last week."

Repeating the problem shows the customer you were listening, which can help lower his anger and stress levels. More than this, it helps you agree on the problem that needs to be solved.

Step Four: Be Empathic and Apologize

Once you're sure that you understand your client's concerns, be empathic  . Show her you understand why she's upset.

And, make sure that your body language   also communicates this understanding and empathy.

For example, you could say, "I understand why you're upset. I would be too. I'm very sorry that we didn't get the samples to you on time, especially since it's caused these problems."

Step Five: Present a Solution

Now you need to present her with a solution. There are two ways to do this.

If you feel that you know what will make your client happy, tell her how you'd like to correct the situation.

You could say, "I know you need these samples by tomorrow to show to your own customers. I will call our other clients to see if they have extras that they can spare, and, if they do, I'll drop them off at your offices no later than 5:00pm this evening."

If you're not sure you know what your client wants from you, or if they resist your proposed solution, then give her the power to resolve things. Ask her to identify what will make her happy.

For instance, you could say, "If my solution doesn't work for you, I'd love to hear what will make you happy. If it's in my power I'll get it done, and if it's not possible, we can work on another solution together."

Step Six: Take Action and Follow-up

Once you've both agreed on a solution, you need to take action immediately. Explain every step that you're going to take to fix the problem to your client

If she has contacted you by phone, make sure that she has your name and contact details. This gives her a feeling of control because she can get hold of you again if she needs to.

Once the situation has been resolved, follow up with your client over the next few days to make sure that she's happy with the resolution. Whenever you can, go above and beyond her expectations. For instance, you could send her a gift certificate, give her a great discount on her next purchase, or send her a hand-written apology.

Step Seven: Use the Feedback

Your last step is to reduce the risk of the situation happening again.

If you haven't already done so, identify how the problem started in the first place. Was there a bottleneck that slowed shipment? Did a sales rep forget to confirm an order?

Find the root of the problem   and make sure it's fixed immediately, then consider using Kaizen   to continue improving your work practices. Also, ensure that you'remanaging complaints and feedback   effectively, so that you can improve that way that you do things.

Further Tips

• It's important to handle difficult customers professionally. Learning how to stay calm   and how to stay cool under pressure   can help you get through challenging situations with grace and professionalism.
• If your client is especially angry, then talk slowly and calmly, and use a low tone of voice. This will subtly help lower the tension, and ensure that you don't escalate the situation by visibly getting stressed or upset yourself.
• If your client has sent you a difficult email or they're angry with you over the phone, then offer to meet with him or her in person if you can to address the problem. This will not only diffuse anger (since it's harder for most people to get truly angry face to face) but it also shows that you genuinely want to address and fix the situation.
• If you feel that your client is being unreasonable, you might start to get upset, especially if he or she is criticizing you, or your organization, unfairly. So learnanger management skills   so that you can stay calm in these situations.
• Occasionally a client or customer may become verbally abusive towards you or your team. Know in advance what you'll tolerate, and what you won't. If things escalate, you may need to be assertive   and stand up for yourself, or even walk away from the situation to give the client time to cool down.
• People in your team might be the ones on the "front line" when it comes to dealing with difficult customers. Make sure that they know how to engage correctly in emotional labor  . (This means that they should know how to manage their own emotions when dealing with difficult people.)
• Work on improving your conflict resolution skills  . These skills can help you if you need to negotiate with your clients.

Key Points

Dealing with difficult customers can be challenging. But if you handle the situation well, you may even be able to improve your relationship, and create further opportunities.

Make sure that you listen actively to his problems or complaints, and resist the urge to interrupt or solve the problem right away. Be empathic and understanding, and make sure that your body language communicates this.

If you're not sure how to fix the situation, then ask your client what will make him happy. If it's in your power, then get it done as soon as possible. Follow up with your customer to make sure he was happy with how the situation was resolved.

This site teaches you the skills you need for a happy and successful career; and this is just one of many tools and resources that you'll find here at Mind Tools. Subscribe to our free newsletter, or join the Mind Tools Club and really supercharge your career!

A Guide to Effective Customer Communication

With more and more business being done over the telephone and the increasing use of 24 hour professional call centres to handle customer enquiries, knowing how to communicate effectively both face to face and on the telephone is vitally important. To help you get your message across clearly, politely and efficiently recruitment experts Kelly Services highlight some common problems and provides some techniques to put them right. This fact sheet brings you essential know-how on the different ways you can polish up your communication.

Customer clout

We live in an era where the customer is king. Gone are the days when customers were thought of as an interruption or that answering their queries was doing them a favour. Nowadays good customer service provides an organisation with its competitive edge and customers expect to be dealt with professionally and competently. Whether you are involved with customers on the telephone or deal with them direct, the following common sense guidelines will help you to make the right impression and give your customers what they are looking for.

Image wreckers

If you answer the telephone or if you greet visitors you need to beware of ruining professional images with comments that often give the wrong impression such as:

• They are still at lunch (they're taking a long break)
• They are not in yet (they're late)
• They have left already (they've slipped off early)
• She's at the dentist (this is too personal)
• He's just popped out (and does so all the time)
• I don't know where he is (internal communication is bad)
• They are tied up (they are too busy to talk to you)

It is far easier and much more professional to say: She's not available at the moment - may I get her to call you back etc.

Top six telephone frustrations!

• Being cut off or put through to the wrong person
• Being left hanging on with no explanation
• Not knowing who you are talking to and if they can help
• Being asked lots of questions
• Not being given the chance to explain yourself
• Being called at an inconvenient time

Service standards

Think about what is meant by good service. It involves many different qualities and will depend on the circumstances involved but whatever business you are in, there are a number of basic good practices which should be taken on board.

Be courteous

• Identify yourself and listen without interrupting
• Respond as necessary
• Stop talking if interrupted
• Give prompt service with the minimum of delay
• Don't keep the caller hanging on the line without going back to them

Be friendly and helpful

• Speak clearly and with a smile (yes, you can "hear" a smile!)
• Be aware of how important your voice is in conveying a friendly personality
• Be enthusiastic and show an interest
• Be sincere in your attempts to help
• Never lose your cool
• If you promise to take certain action do it as agreed
• Deal with any problems diplomatically

Learn to listen

Improving your listening skills can make a huge difference to your communication success - people need to know that you fully understand their case.

• Don't interrupt unnecessarily
• Don't switch off half way through
• Don't hurry people
• Try putting yourself in the caller's place

Information

When you are recording or giving information remember that it must be precise and detailed.

• Be clear and accurate
• Make sure that any information you give is correct
• Avoid jargon
• Talk with confidence
• Get the facts and record the information
• Confirm your caller understands the information you have supplied
• Answer questions if you can or offer to find out the information

Message taking

It is vital to collect all the relevant information when you are taking messages for other people. The following checklist will help you to make sure you haven't forgotten anything.

• Who the call is for
• The date and time of the call
• Name of caller and company
• Their telephone/fax number
• Reason for the call / is the call urgent?
• A convenient time to return the call
• Your name
• Details of anything you have agreed with the caller

Handling problems and complaints

When you are handling difficult situations it is important to keep calm and not let your emotions get the better of you. In many ways a complaint is an opportunity - the chance to show you can put things right. A customer whose complaint is successfully resolved will have a strong sense of loyalty.

• Try and establish some rapport with the caller
• Use their name and recognise their importance
• Let the person explain and listen carefully
• Get all the facts and take notes
• Direct the conversation away from emotion
• Avoid defensive reactions
• Try and develop a solution giving a time frame and your actions
• Make a commitment to follow up
• Get agreement to your solution
• Thank the person for calling

Be positive

If you are in the front line of communication then it is vital that you have a positive attitude because it is clearly reflected in both your voice and in the way you behave with others. Not only will a positive approach make you feel good it will also get a positive response from others.

A well known business guru was recently asked what the three most important factors were for a business to be successful. His reply was 'Communication, Communication and Communication.

10 ways to communicate more effectively with customers and co-workers

We all know what happened to the Titanic. Clearer communications could have prevented the tragedy and the loss of more than 1,500 lives. Communications plays just as important a role in your careers. When asked to name the top three skills they believed their subordinates need, 70 percent of the readers of CIO magazine listed communications as one of them.

Here are some tips on how you can communicate more effectively with people at work, be they customers, co-workers, subordinates, or superiors.

#1: Beware of interrupting

Titanic wireless operator Jack Phillips interrupted a wireless message from a nearby ship, telling them to shut up. In doing so, he prevented that ship from sending Titanic an iceberg warning.

Be careful about interrupting others, particularly your customers. They'll be especially upset if, while they're explaining a problem, you interrupt them and start offering a solution. If you feel you have to interrupt, at least cut to the chase and tell the other person what you think his or her main idea was. That way, the other person at least can confirm or correct you, and in either case save time.

#2: Listen actively

Did you ever get the feeling, when talking to someone, that you were really talking to a wall? The person may have heard you but gave no indication of it at all. Avoid doing the same thing. When communicating with others, it's just as important that people beaware that you're listening as it is that you're actually listening. For that reason, be involved with and react to what the other person is saying, either via a nod, or an "I see," or a paraphrase of the other person's statements. You'll strengthen your own understanding and make a better impression.

#3: Avoid negative questions

Suppose you say to a customer, "You don't have Word installed?" and he answers "Yes." What does he mean? Yes, you're right, Word is not installed? Or yes, he DOES have Word installed?

Asking a negative question creates confusion. It's clearer if you phrase the question positively (e.g., "Do you have Word installed?") or ask an open-ended question ("What applications do you have installed?"). If you must use the negative, try a question such as "Am I correct that you don't have Word installed?"

#4: Be sensitive to differences in technical knowledge

Chances are, your customers have less technical knowledge than you do. Be careful, therefore, when explaining things to them. If you use acronyms, be sure you identify what the acronym means. The same acronym can mean different things, even in an IT context (for example, ASP can refer to "application service provider" or "active server page"). Be careful that you don't make two opposite mistakes: either talking over their head or talking down to them. Keep your eyes on customers when you talk to them and be alert to cues indicating that they don't understand. Ask them whether they understand what you're saying, if necessary.

#5: Use analogies to explain technical concepts

A good way to explain a technical idea is to use an analogy. Though they have limitations, analogies are helpful in explaining an unfamiliar idea in terms of a familiar one. One of the best analogies I ever heard compared a firewall to a bank teller. When you enter a bank, you don't just go into the vault and get your money. Instead, you go to a window, where the teller verifies your identity and determines that you have enough money. The teller goes to the vault, brings it back to the window, gives it to you, and then you leave.

#6: Use positive instead of negative statements

Your customers are more interested in your capabilities than in your limitations. In other words, they're interested in what you can do, rather than what you can't do. The way you say things to them influences how they perceive you and your department. You, as an IT department or individual, can be seen as a roadblock or you can be seen as a partner. So, for example, instead of saying, "I can't help you unless you log off," consider saying, "Please log off so that I can help you." Your statements often will be easier to understand as well.

Here's another reason to avoid negative statements. Have you ever experienced gaps of silence in your telephone calls, where the conversation breaks up? Usually it happens when using a cell or a VoIP telephone. If the gap occurs as you're saying "not," your recipient could get the opposite message from what you intended.

#7: Be careful of misinterpreted words and phrases

Sometimes we say something with innocent intent, but the other person misinterprets it. We mean to say one thing, but our pronunciation or inflection causes us to convey something else. For example, in Chinese, the sound "ma" said in a high level tone means "mother in law." However, said in a falling and rising tone, it means "horse."

Be especially careful of the word "you." Overusing this word can make the person you're talking to feel defensive or threatened. Instead of saying, "You need to speak louder," try saying, "I'm having trouble hearing." Another issue involves the dual meaning of "you." Unlike other languages, English uses the same word to refer to an actual person (for example, the person you're talking to) as well as to a hypothetical person. Suppose you said to someone, "You never know what's going to happen next," and meant to equate "you" with "people in general." The other person might think you're referring to him or her specifically and take offense. A better alternative might be, "It's really unpredictable here."

If someone is upset, one of the worst things to say is "calm down." It might work one half of one percent of the time, but generally all it does is make things worse.

In general, think before you speak. I'm not saying you always have to be polite or diplomatic. Sometimes you do need to (figuratively, of course) beat people up. However, do consider the alternatives before speaking. As the proverb goes, "He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity."

#8: Remember that technical problems involve emotional reactions

When customers have a technical problem (for example, they're having trouble printing), keep in mind that they'll almost always have an emotional reaction as well. Those emotions can range from simple annoyance to outright panic, depending on the importance of the document and the time element involved. I'm not saying you have to be Dr. Phil, but it's important to acknowledge and recognize these emotional reactions. If all you do is solve the technical problem and walk away, chances are the customer will still be upset.

In these cases, simply saying something like, "Pain in the neck, isn't it?" or "I hate when that happens to me" can help the customer feel better about the situation and possibly feel more positive about you.

#9: Anticipate customer objections and questions

In his book The Art of War, the ancient Chinese author and strategist Sun Tzu said, "If you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles." Apply this principle when communicating with customers. In particular, try to anticipate the objections your customers will have to your message and address those objections.

For example, suppose you're sending out a directive regarding the downloading and application of Windows updates. Suppose further that you have customers who know enough to be dangerous. Such a customer might think, "Well, I'm current in my virus definitions, so this update is unnecessary for me." Your communications with such a customer will be more effective if you anticipate and address that issue. Consider, therefore, a sentence such as, "This Windows update is necessary even if your virus definitions are current."

#10: Keep the customer informed

The area where I live, southeastern Pennsylvania, has a large agricultural presence, in particular involving the production of mushrooms. While they are growing, mushrooms are kept in a dark building and are covered with fertilizer.

Your customers will become upset if you treat them the same way. Keep them informed of developments involving them, particularly with regard to technical problems and outages. In particular, keep them apprised even if nothing is going on. For example, let them know you've contacted the vendor but still haven't heard anything back. No news is still news.

If a customer leaves you a request via voicemail or e-mail, let the customer know you received it, even if you are still in the process of handling it. Doing so gives the customer one less matter to worry about.

When a problem is resolved, let the customer know that, too. Nothing is more frustrating to customers than finding out that they could have been working sooner if they had only known.

3 Ways to improve your English communication skills

Are you looking for new ways to improve your English communication skills? Here are 3 easy ways:

1. Listen to English Speaking Shows

Find an interesting TV show, radio show, or even podcast that you can listen to both at home and on the go. Spend as much of your downtime as possible listening to spoken English. ITunes offers a great variety of hour long podcasts that you can directly download to your mp3 player. Listening to spoken English will help you improve your improve your vocabulary, learn better sentence structure and make learning the correct pronunciation of difficult words even easier.

2. Start A Blog
Use your hobbies, field of study or career path to help you learn English. While you may have a solid foundation in reading, writing and speaking in English, there will be many words that are specific to your hobbies, studies or career that will not come up in everyday conversations or during your English classes. To master these interest specific words, try writing a regular blog about subjects related to your field of study, interests or career path. Even if you are just summarizing articles in English, you will quickly become familiar with the English translations of words that you are already familiar with in your native language.

3. Use Ginger’s English Personal Trainer
Ginger’s English Personal Trainer keeps track of the mistakes that you make while writing both in MS Office and online in your browser and uses these errors to determine which are your weakest areas of English. Ginger will present you with personalized lessons based on your weak areas to help you fix your problematic areas of English.

Communication Skills

now what communication really is. Communication is the process of transferring signals/messages between a sender and a receiver through various methods (written words, nonverbal cues, spoken words). It is also the mechanism we use to establish and modify relationships.

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   Have courage to say what you think. Be confident in knowing that you can make worthwhile contributions to conversation. Take time each day to be aware of your opinions and feelings so you can adequately convey them to others. Individuals who are hesitant to speak because they do not feel their input would be worthwhile need not fear. What is important or worthwhile to one person may not be to another and may be more so to someone else.
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   Practice. Developing advanced communication skills begins with simple interactions. Communication skills can be practiced every day in settings that range from the social to the professional. New skills take time to refine, but each time you use your communication skills, you open yourself to opportunities and future partnerships.
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Effective Communication

Improving Communication Skills in Your Interpersonal Relationships

It sounds so simple: say what you mean. But all too often, what we try to communicate gets lost in translation despite our best intentions. We say one thing, the other person hears something else, and misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts ensue.
Fortunately, you can learn how to communicate more clearly and effectively. Whether you’re trying to improve communication with your spouse, kids, boss, or coworkers, you can improve the communication skills that enable you to effectively connect with others, build trust and respect, and feel heard and understood.

What is effective communication?

Communication is about more than just exchanging information. It's about understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. Effective communication is how you convey a message so that it is received and understood by someone in exactly the way you intended.
More than just the words you use, effective communication combines a set of skills including nonverbal communication, attentive listening, managing stress in the moment, the ability to communicate assertively, and the capacity to recognize and understand your own emotions and those of the person you’re communicating with.
Effective communication is the glue that helps you deepen your connections to others and improve teamwork, decision-making, and problem solving. It enables you to communicate even negative or difficult messages without creating conflict or destroying trust.
While effective communication is a learned skill, it is more effective when it’s spontaneous rather than formulaic. A speech that is read, for example, rarely has the same impact as a speech that’s delivered (or appears to be delivered) spontaneously. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and spontaneous your communication skills will become.

Barriers to effective interpersonal communication

• Stress and out-of-control emotion. When you’re stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. Take a moment to calm down before continuing a conversation.
• Lack of focus. You can’t communicate effectively when you’re multitasking. If you’re planning what you’re going to say next, daydreaming, checking text messages, or thinking about something else, you’re almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-moment experience.
• Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
• Negative body language. If you disagree with or dislike what’s being said, you may use negative body language to rebuff the other person’s message, such as crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don’t have to agree, or even like what’s being said, but to communicate effectively without making the other person defensive it’s important to avoid sending negative signals.

Improving communication skills #1: Be a good listener

People often focus on what they should say, but effective communication is more about listening than it is about talking. Listening well means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding how the speaker feels about what they’re communicating. When you really listen, you make the other person feel heard and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.
If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening effectively will often come naturally. If it doesn’t, try the following tips. The more you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will become.

Tips for effective listening

• Focus fully on the speaker, his or her body language, and other nonverbal cues. If you’re daydreaming, checking text messages, or doodling, you’re almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. If you find it hard to concentrate on some speakers, try repeating their words over in your head—it’ll reinforce their message and help you stay focused.
• Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns, by saying something like, “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me.” Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can’t concentrate on what someone’s saying if you’re forming what you’re going to say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial expressions and know that your mind’s elsewhere.
• Try to set aside judgment. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you don’t have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to fully understand a person. The most difficult communication, when successfully executed, can lead to the most unlikely and profound connection with someone.
• Show your interest in what’s being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh huh.”
• Provide feedback. If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is," or "Sounds like you are saying," are great ways to reflect back. Don’t simply repeat what the speaker has said verbatim, though—you’ll sound insincere or unintelligent. Instead, express what the speaker’s words mean to you. Ask questions to clarify certain points: "What do you mean when you say," or "Is this what you mean?"  

Improving communication skills #2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

When we communicate things that we care about, we do so mainly using nonverbal signals. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and breathing. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.
Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and build better relationships at home and work.

• You can enhance effective communication by using open body language—arms uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and maintaining eye contact with the person you’re talking to.
• You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal message—patting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for example, or pounding your fists to underline your message.

Tips for improving how you read nonverbal communication

• Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so it’s important to take age, culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.
• Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally and let eye contact slip, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to. Consider the signals as a whole to get a better “read” on a person.

Tips for improving how you deliver nonverbal communication

• Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
• Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when you’re addressing a child than when you’re addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you’re interacting with.
• Use body language to convey positive feelings even when you're not actually experiencing them. If you’re nervous about a situation—a job interview, important presentation, or first date, for example—you can use positive body language to signal confidence, even though you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.

Improving communication skills #3: Keep stress in check

To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of and in control of your emotions. And that means learning how to manage stress. When you’re stressed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.
How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such regrets, but in many cases you’ll also help to calm the other person as well. It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be able to know whether the situation requires a response, or whether the other person’s signals indicate it would be better to remain silent.

Staying calm under pressure

In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or introduction to a loved one’s family, for example, it’s important to manage your emotions, think on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure. These tips can help:

• Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Have a question repeated, or ask for clarification of a statement before responding.
• Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing—pausing can make you seem more in control than rushing your response.
• Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your response is too long or you waffle about a number of points, you risk losing the listener’s interest. Follow one point with an example and then gauge the listener’s reaction to tell if you should make a second point.
• Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye contact. Keep your body language relaxed and open.
• Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop talking, even if it leaves a silence in the room. You don’t have to fill the silence by continuing to talk.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

When things start to get heated in the middle of a conversation, you need something quick and immediate to bring down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment, though, you can safely face any strong emotions you’re experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately. When you know how to maintain a relaxed, energized state of awareness—even when something upsetting happens—you can remain emotionally available and engaged.
To deal with stress during communication:

• Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you’re stressed as you communicate. Are your muscles or your stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you "forgetting" to breathe?
• Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or postpone it.
• Bring your senses to the rescue and quickly manage stress by taking a few deep breaths, clenching and relaxing muscles, or recalling a soothing, sensory-rich image, for example. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.
• Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or amusing story.
• Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you’ll be able to find a happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that the other person cares much more about something than you do, compromise may be easier for you and a good investment in the future of the relationship.
• Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm down. Take a quick break and move away from the situation. Go for a stroll outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.

Improving communication skills #4: Assert yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost self-esteem and decision-making. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others.
To improve assertiveness:

• Value yourself and your opinions. They are as important as anyone else’s.
• Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the rights of others.
• Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It’s OK to be angry, but you must be respectful as well.
• Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for help when needed.
• Learn to say “no”. Know your limits and don’t let others take advantage of you. Look for alternatives so everyone feels good about the outcome.

Developing assertive communication techniques

• Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the other person's situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. "I know you've been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us as well."
• Escalating assertion can be used when your first attempts are not successful. You become increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining consequences if your needs are not met. For example, "If you don't abide by the contract, I'll be forced to pursue legal action."
• Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to start with to help build up your confidence. Or ask friends or family if you can practice assertiveness techniques on them first.